Sunday Thought
I suddenly felt so lonely..
Yung tipong tinatamad akong gumalaw.. Hindi ako makagalaw.. Like everything’s slowly drifting apart and I’m just standing here, watching, doing nothing. Ang daming nangyayari sa buhay ko, and I guess, it’s important that every once in a while, you need to take a step back, and look. Just look. Look at your life, it’s a mess. Look what you’ve done to yourself, you’ve became a beautiful mess. Take a closer look, is this what you really want? Are you happy? …
Am I really Happy?
June 14, 2015 | 11:46 pm
My father has an affair. Yun ang sabi ni mama. Tamang hinala? I don’t know. And I really don’t want to know kung tama ba siya o mali. Masakit. Kahit na hindi kami ganun kaclose ng pamilya ko, kahit na hindi kami katulad ng iba open sa isa’t-isa, mahal na mahal ko ang pamilya ko. Truth be told, I don’t think I fit in here. Hindi ako yung tunay na ako kapag nandito sa bahay. Hindi ako pala salita, hindi ako pala tawa, halos hindi ako nagpapakita ng emosyon. Sobrang kabaliktaran sa ako na ipinapakita ko sa harap ng mga kaibigan ko. Pero that doesn’t mean na hindi ko na pinahahalagahan ang pamilya ko. They’re always the most important people for me. Sila yung priority ko, sila yung inspirasiyon ko. And the very thought that this family would fall apart breaks my heart into pieces. Masakit, pero hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Ayokong maghiwalay sila mama at papa pero naaawa din ako sa mama ko. Paulit-ulit siyang nasasaktan. Paulit-ulit lang silang nagkakasakitan. But I can’t also wish for their separation. Naaawa ako sa kapatid ko. Siyempre gusto ko siyang lumaki sa isang kumpletong pamilya. But to be honest, ngayon pa lang na hindi pa naghihiwalay sila mama’t papa, sobra na akong naaawa sa kanya eh. Siya yung nakakasaksi sa pag-aaway nila, sa pananakit ni papa kay mama. Siya yung umaawat sa kanilang dalawa. Siya yung naiipit sa kanilang dalawa. And maybe my father has been a bad husband to my mom, but he was never a bad father to us. Hindi niya kami pinagbubuhatan ng kamay hindi tulad ng ginagawa niya kay mama. He has his bad sides, pero nararamdaman ko namang mahal niya kami. Lalo na yung bunso kong kapatid. Yung kapatid kong yun, he’s so special to him. Nakikita ko kung gaano niya kamahal yung kapatid ko. Pero never akong nagselos. I’m too old for that. Sana nga talaga, sapat na kami para sa papa ko. Sana sapat na kaming pamilya niya. Sana hindi totoong may affair siya. Sana malagpasan namin tong pagsubok na ‘to.
C L A N N A D
Ang anime na pinaka nagpaiyak sa’kin, yung tipong hagulgol much talaga ako kasabay ng pag-iyak ng mga characters. At ang tanging anime na kahit walang kissing scene yung mga bida ay ramdam mo pa rin yung overflowing love nila for each other at hindi yun nakabawas sa feels. It is definitely the greatest anime of all time.
MOVE ON
Move on. Akala ko dati madali lang. Dati, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hirap na hirap mag move on yung ibang tao. Dati, feeling ko, ‘pag ako yung nasa sitwasyon nila, makakamove on agad ako… Hindi pala… Kasi ngayon, kinakain ko na yung mga sinabi ko noon…
Ganun siguro talaga… Hindi mo maiiintindihan hangga’t hindi mo nararanasan. Pero don’t get me wrong, hindi ako broken hearted o ano. At wala pa akong kahit anong romantic experience sa buhay ko. Pero may naintindihan ako sa pagmomove on dahil sa panunuod ng anime. Hahaha. Weird, right? But it’s true.
Hindi ako maka move on sa Clannad eh! Hindi ito yung first time na nagkaganito ako sa isang anime. Pero ito talaga yung pinakanaapektuhan ako eh. Alam kong alam niyo yung feeling na nalulungkot ka dahil tapos mo na ang isang anime o libro o movie. Nakakalungkot. Ayokong magmove on huhu. Ang ganda eh. Yung feeling na… pagtapos kong mapanuod yun, ayoko nang manuod ng iba pang anime. Feeling ko Clannad na ang pinakamaganda sa lahat. Pero sa totoo lang, madali lang naman magmove on eh. Hindi lang yung sa Clannad ang tinutukoy ko. Pati na rin sa totoong buhay. Sa tingin ko, kung gusto mo talagang magmove on, you just have to distract yourself. Madali lang rin namang idistract ang sarili eh. Marami pang bagay ang pwedeng gawin sa mundo. In my case, marami pang ibang anime na pwede kong panuorin para maka move on sa Clannad. Easy as that. Pero kasi sa tingin ko, ang nagpapahirap sa lahat ay yung puso natin. Yung puso natin na ayaw pang magmove on. Yung puso natin na ayaw pa din bumitiw dun sa mga magagandang memories. Kasi ganun yung nafifeel ko ngayon eh. Pwedeng pwede akong manuod ng ibang anime pero ayoko kasi inaalala ko pa din kung gaano kaganda yung Clannad. Well, good for me, kasi pwedeng pwede kong ulit ulitin yung episodes ng Clannad hanggang sa magsawa ako. Pero paano yung iba? For example, yung mga taong hindi makamove on sa past relationships nila. Ang hirap nun kasi hindi mo na pwedeng ireplay. For them to move on, they need to distract their selves. But that thing was fvcking hard. I don’t know, really. Siguro nga, nalaman ko kung gaano kahirap magmove on. Pero kung paano gawin yun? Aba, malay ko.
29 Books That Will Enrich Your Inner Literati
He Lost Her
So since I can’t think of something to write, I just revised one of my articles. It’s originally entitled ‘She Lost Her’, but since I think it’s a crap, I revised it. But I still think it’s a crap though. Lol.
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He Lost Her
Once there was a boy, who spent his whole life in a library, reading books. He was a little boy with thick glasses and whose voice was rarely heard by people. And once in his safe haven, he met a girl whom he thinks is pretty, but talks too much.
Once there was a boy, who finally had a friend. He figured out that the girl who talked to him too much was actually cool. She talked and talked and told him stories of her life and the book she has read. And though he doesn’t know why, the boy in glasses learned to open up. He started telling her stories about his own life and the book he has read. They shared their favorite books, their deepest thoughts and their darkest secrets. They became… the best of friends.
Once there was a boy, who stepped into a bigger world with his best friend. Freshman year, his best friend was prettier than before. But he stayed as the boy with thick glasses and doesn’t talk too much. Because he hates it when things change. But what breaks his heart even more, is seeing himself and her best friend, slowly drifting apart.
Once there was a boy, who found himself alone in a table, far from his best friend who was now laughing with her new circle of famous friends. He doesn’t get her. ‘Did she really forgot about me that easily?’ He wanted to ask. He was staring at her. He wanted to be mad at her. She was unfair, she left him hanging with no words. But he just sadly smiled at himself. No, he can never be angry at her. He can’t do that, not when she’s now happy without him. And for him, it hurts. Because he loved her, he still love her, and he will love her forever.
Once there was a boy, who wished he could go back. He wished that they had never grown up. He wished that they had never entered this bigger world. Because in this cruel world, he lost her – the only girl he’ll ever love. They went from barely talking, to not talking at all. It’s funny how they became strangers again. But maybe that’s how life is – people change, and they end up having nothing to say to each other even if they were the best of friends just few years before.
Once there was a boy, who lost his very best friend, and he heard she was betrayed by her friends, and someone has broke her heart. That’s when he remembered the day he saw her crying in the rooftop. He remembered her fake smiles, her forced laughter, and the emptiness in her eyes. So he hurriedly ran to her house, only to see that his best friend had already given up. He found her, hanging in her room, lifeless. His best friend ended her own life.
Once there was a boy, who hated himself so much. He blamed himself for everything because he wasn’t there for her. He could’ve been there to tell her everything’s going to be okay. He could’ve made her feel she was loved, loved by him. And he could’ve saved her. But their story was just like the movie clichés, he came too late for her. Now she’s gone, gone forever. And he felt nothing but pain, because he knew that his heart only belongs to her, and once again, he lost her – the only girl he’ll ever love.
When Blood IS Thicker Than Water
Karmic Hearts by Jhing Bautista
Have you ever read a story that’s great enough to change the way how you see things in life?
I’ve started reading Karmic Hearts last year, March 9, 2014 (yes, exact date because i was able to write it in my diary back then). That time, I’m starting to get bored on wattpad kasi parang pare-parehas na lang yung mga nababasa ko. But then, Karmic Hearts caught my attention. Title pa lang, ang catchy na. Gandang ganda talaga ako sa title nun. Kaso nakakalungkot kasi on-going pa lang siya. Ayaw ko ng mga ganun eh, nakakabitin maghintay ng mga updates. Hindi ko na sana babasahin pero binasa ko muna yung prologue. Fairytales. Mr. Right. Happy Endings. Shooting Stars. Magic. Serendipity. Destiny. Those are the words, right? Those are the words that made me turn the page. And I guess, if you are a hopeless romantic like me, you would do the same.
I wished for magic, and I got just that.. And more.
20+ chapters pa lang ang KH nun. Pero hindi ko nasubaybayan ang bawat update dahil busy ako kaya ayun, natapos na lang sa wattpad, hindi ko pa nababasa. Nung isang araw ko lang naisipang ituloy. I didn’t back read from chapter 1. Wala, nakakatamad lang, haha. So ayun. From chapter 20something, tuloy tuloy na ‘ko. Then kinabukasan, with tired eyes, I finished reading it.
“Happy journey, not a happy ending.” -Cupid
One word to describe Karmic Hearts, it’s GENIUS. I love how Cupid and Mina argue about things. I love every thing they say about life, love, and fate. Ang galing lang. Ang daming matututunan. Ang dami kong narealize. Fate is a mystery to us, humans. Some believe while some don’t. No one really knows. But when you read Karmic Hearts, everything in it seems like a fact. Na kapag sinabi dun na, ‘lahat ng tao ay may nakatadhana nang patutunguhan’, maniniwala ka. Kahit hindi naman sigurado. Kahit baka hindi naman ganun sa totoong buhay. Kasi nga lahat ng nandun, opinyon lang ng isang tao. Opinyon lang ng author. That’s just how she sees things. It maybe true to reality, but it may also be not. Pero gaya nga ng sinabi ko, kapag nabasa mo na ang KH, marerealize mo na parang yung mga sinasabi nila Cupid, Mina, Psyche, at Raphael, parang yun yung pinaka-reasonable na paniwalaan. Okay, di ko na iisa-isahin pa. Ang sinasabi ko lang, ang galing galing ni Ms. Jhing Bautista. For thinking such deep things and a beautiful plot.
In speaking of plot, I really love the story. An angel fell in love with a mortal. It was.. a forbidden love. Being a masochist myself, I love forbidden love stories. (Well, except incest). Yung mga tipong ‘you and me against the world’ ampeg. But in Cupid and Mina’s case, it’s ‘you and me against heaven and earth‘ indeed. And you might think I’m weird, but I love how they can’t be together. Nakakaiyak. Anyway, I love Cupid. He’s romantic, narcissistic, and he’s perfect. He breaks the rules but it made me love him even more. Hahaha. And of course, those thoughts of his. Alam mo yung tuwing nag-uusap sila ni Mina tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay, ang bagal ko mag magbasa kasi iniintindi ko talaga. Ang galing nila mag-isip. Astig.
“If everything is unfair in this world, then doesn’t that make it fair?” -Cupid
Karmic Hearts is the story that I would recommend to everyone with no doubt. The best!
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